Sarkazmos

Logos Bible Software 4 for Mac

2010-08-19T22:57:00.002-05:00

Logos Bible Software is giving away thousands of dollars of prizes to celebrate the launch of Logos Bible Software 4 Mac on October 1. Prizes include an iMac, a MacBook Pro, an iPad, an iPod Touch, and more than 100 other prizes!

Bigger Than Hasselhoff

2010-07-16T10:10:00.002-05:00

Yes, it is true. I am now a German television star. Recently I posted a video to my YouTube channel showing how the new iPhone suffers from signal loss when held a certain way, and today the German news network, NTV, used my video in their broadcast.

Click the picture to the right to see the video of their broadcast yourself. My video appears at the 2:48 mark.

Also, I have embedded my YouTube video below so that you can see what everybody in Germany is talking about. Be sure to watch it in all its full HD glory.

iPhone 4 Signal Strength Issue

2010-06-24T12:00:00.001-05:00

"Gotta Catch Them All!"

2009-11-25T22:58:00.004-06:00

Wow.

"I'm about to lose control and I think I like it!"

2009-11-18T20:46:00.003-06:00

Apparently this was Sean at Young Adult group last Sunday night. I wish I could've been there since it was game night. This photo (un-enhanced, of course) was taken as he was acting out a movie scene for charades. Personally, I would have guessed a Jackie Chan movie, but he was trying to show "The Notebook". Where a flying jump-kick fits into a romantic drama about a woman's battle to remember her husband is anyone's guess...

"Hello...China?"

2008-07-14T10:53:00.004-05:00

You might be redneck if...

Brother Hits the Big Time

2008-03-07T10:00:00.003-06:00

I've never been much of a leech. I can't stand the shallowness of people who are unable to make a name for themselves and piggy back on the success of others instead. You know the kind; always tagging along with people who are smarter or better looking or wealthier than they are. It really is pathetic.

But on a totally unrelated note, guess what? My big brother Ryan just landed a sweet job and made the front page of yesterday's Circleville Herald! I've uploaded a PDF document of the paper here. He's very smart and talented. He's not a child of privilege, but is a self-made success story. I'm very proud to be his little brother. I look up to him very much. Hopefully one day when he reaches the top he can get me a job or something....or at least a little notoriety since we share the same last name.

Smile

2008-01-03T09:08:00.000-06:00

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Barry, don't apologize

2007-11-06T22:48:00.000-06:00

Apparently you can't be funny anymore. Barry Melrose makes a crack about Newark not being safe and he gets vilified.

From article: In a video segment posted on ESPN.com last week, Melrose described the recently opened arena as a "beautiful new building" but added, "Don't go outside if you have a wallet or anything else, because the area around the arena is just horrible."

Newark mayor Cory A. Booker and Municipal Council president Mildred Crump took exception to the remarks and called for Melrose to apologize.

"All of us make mistakes, but it's a shame when it's at the expense of 300,000 people," Booker said, referring to Newark's population.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz said the network would not punish Melrose for the comments.

"Barry addressed it and that was the important thing," Krulewitz said. "He obviously was remorseful and we feel it's in everybody's best interests to put it behind us.""

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wouldn't punish Melrose?!?!? Why should they? And why should he be remorseful? Why should he sugar coat how he (rightly) feels? In this age where every liberal nut job in hollywood has the "right" to make their moronic political opinions known, why does Barry Melrose get slammed? Is it the mullet? What a wonderful PC age we live in. What's the big deal? Newark IS a sewer. But hey, what can you expect from a screwed-up state a like NJ?

Oh, its bad...

2007-10-14T22:17:00.001-05:00

You know your Fantasy Team's having a bad day when you click on "Optimal Lineup" tab, and notice that the Quarterback, who you've benched because its a bye week for him, has more points (0) than your starter (-2).

NASCAR is....contagious?

2007-10-11T09:44:00.000-05:00

Can't say that I blame them.......

WASHINGTON --
NASCAR fans might seem rabid, but are they actually contagious?

Getting a hepatitis shot is standard procedure for travelers to parts of Africa and Asia, but some congressional aides were instructed to get immunized before going to Lowe's Motor Speedway in Concord and the racetrack in Talladega, Ala.

The House Homeland Security Committee planned a fact-finding trip about public health preparedness at mass gatherings and decided to conduct the research at two of the nation's most heavily attended sporting events, NASCAR's Bank of America 500 event this weekend and the UAW-Ford 500 last weekend.

Staff who organized the trips advised the NASCAR-bound aides to get a range of vaccines before attending -- hepatitis A, hepatitis B, tetanus, diphtheria and influenza.

Read

Oh, come on, I'm just teasing! Or am I???

Remodeling Discovery

2007-09-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

Its truly amazing what you'll find when you undertake a remodeling job in an old building. Don't ask me why, but we found these viking artifacts in what was formerly Broadmoor Baptist Church (don't ask me why Baptists would have these, let alone hide them in a wall).

Like any other priceless artifact, we proceeded to mess around with them. Phil, being somewhat Nordic, is showing us how his ancestors made use of them to crush their foes. I'm not quite sure why he thinks its ok to put his lips on that "horn", if that is what it is...

Jack's the Real Star

2007-08-29T21:05:00.000-05:00

Jack is a modest guy. He's so modest that he didn't even make available to the world his 30 seconds of stardom. Even though he was on the news here in Jackson, MS he decided to keep it to himself. No glory for him I guess.

Here's to you, Mr. Modesty. You and your Sprite hat that is....

This is crazy.

Congrats, Sean!

2007-08-24T22:14:00.000-05:00

Hello avid readers!

In case some of you haven't heard, our very own Sean co-hosted a radio show on AFR. It kind of bums me out, though, because he is always one-upping me. He couldn't stand that I was (temporarily) a bigger celebrity because of my crack reporting during a recent news episode on WAPT news.
I must admit, though, that he did an excellent job. So great a job, it seems, that he has already begun to branch out into other media. This is the movie poster of the part he has been offered.
Apparently, it is the sequel to the box office hit "Stomp the Yard". Personally, I didn't know that Scribey could dance, but I recently found out that he minored in Urban Dance Stylings in college.

Fun with Signs

2007-08-07T13:37:00.000-05:00

For those of you planning on visiting the Jackson Metro area anytime soon, please keep an eye on all traffic signs as you enter the city.

If you happen to stop by, let me know and I'll take you to my favorite Chinese restaurant.

Don't forget to fill up on your way out. Don't wanna run out of gas in the middle of Jackson.

Mii and Harry Potter

2007-07-22T13:50:00.001-05:00

One of the several blogs that I keep track of on a daily basis is called Nintendo Wii Fanboy, part of the Joystiq network of Fanboy sites. They have a weekly feature called the Mii Spotlight. Each week they invite readers to submit pictures of various Miis they have created according to the weekly theme.

This week, given the senseless hysteria for the world's most favorite British wimp, the theme was Harry Potter characters. The picture you see above was my own submission, and sure enough it was selected to be placed on the Wii Fanboy site for the week. Check it out here.

Why am I telling you here? Well, I guess I just wanted the world to know how funny and amazing I am. Go ahead, you can blush.

Adam or Eve?!?!?

2007-06-27T21:04:00.000-05:00

So...I'm always a little behind the times. I'm finally getting around to checking out Secondlife, you know, that whole virtual world thingy. I tried to get on their servers a while back, but I was still running Vista then, and I couldn't login because their SL client doesn't support Vista yet (yikes). Besides that, I didn't think my paltry intel video card in my Lenovo 3000 n100 would cut the mustard, either.

About a month ago, I dumped Vista and went Ubuntu Linux only. I REALLY like Ubuntu. Stuff just seems to work, with very little manual configuring...even Java, which I've always had issues installing (I'm no Linux/Java guru). For kicks, I decided to give SL another shot with the Linux client. Although its an ALPHA, I ran the startup script, and it fired right up.

If you know me, you realize I'm not a really social kind of guy, so the idea of "talking" to other people online isn't all that appealing. I have enough trouble with my first life, let alone my Secondlife...but I like checking out new (to me) things. I did a little of the orientation, and things seem to work ok. Maybe I'm impatient, but I haven't been able to put clothes on yet. I do alot of clicking and nothing happens. Another thing I've noticed is this: After logging out then in, it appears I've changed sexes. My formerly chisled male body seems to have morphed into that of a young girl. Creepy, yes. I don't know if its the ALPHA status of the SL client, or if its because I'm a moron.

BTW, for those of you who are (funny) about this kind of thing, trust me...there is no simulated frontal nudity in SL (To my knowledge). So, there aren't a bunch of naked virtual people running around (I hope). Either way, I probably won't get that into the game anyway...

Jacko Baggins

2007-05-21T10:12:00.001-05:00

"Can you please help me find the Ring?"

They're Just Having a Good Time!

2007-04-23T11:03:00.000-05:00

Recently Senator Barack Obama and "The Reverend" Al Sharpton came together before an assembly of the National Action Network to take care of some critical campaign business. Below is a transcript of a joint phone call made by the two men before the assembly:

Call is made with speakerphone turned on...

*Phone rings*

Caller: Hello.

Sharpton (in fake hillbilly accent): Yes, is this Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton?

Caller: Yes. Who is this, and how did you get this number?

Sharpton (still in fake hillbilly accent): This is Kentucky..........we want our accent back.

Both men laugh.

Caller: When I find out who this is I will cut your heart out with a rusty chainsaw and feed it to your children!

Phone call ended.

(Warning: This may or may not represent actual events.)

Capital of Crash, Smash, and All Other Things Destructive

2007-04-11T16:53:00.000-05:00

Update: I must say, I have been profoundly humiliated by my misspelling of this topic's title. No matter how incorrectly I spelled "capitol" it doesn't mitigate the point I was trying to make. So feel free to make fun of my spelling while I'll maintain my right to make light of the horrors of driving in the Jackson area.

Men's Health magazine has an article surveying 100 cities to determine where the safest drivers are. Not to the surprise of any human being with eyes and a brain living in Jackson, MS, the survey lists Jackson as the 97th safest city to drive in. In other words, other scary cities like Detroit (#49) and Miami (#80) are safer places to drive than here.

Now I'm no genius, but I didn't need Men's Health and their fancy survey to figure this one out. All it took for me to see the truth was an instant increase in my monthly insurance premium when we moved down, the condition of the cars (and the roads... Moon rover, anyone?) all around me, and the police driving past wrecks instead of stopping to help in order know the truth.

So, if I live to see next year's top 100 cities list from Men's Health, I'll be interested to see if Jackson manages to move up or down the list. That, of course, is assuming I live until then. After all, driving down the street to my apartment is like playing a game of Russian Roulette....

My Friend, the Sell-Out

2007-04-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

Ever have a friendship into which you poured your blood, sweat, and tears but without ever receiving anything in return? Ever know someone who you gave your heart and soul to but all they did was trample it down with their false words and deceitful ways? Have you ever invested your very life into another human being, and all that came from this relationship was heartache and turmoil?

Well, I haven't. But I do have a friend who is a total sell-out. That's right, you know who you are, Mr. "I already have a blog but I'm going to sneak around and stab you in the back with my trickery." You know who you are, you cunning little deviant blog harlot. I'm on to your razzle-dazzle double-dealin' fast shuffle. Go ahead, give your little "e-life" to another. It's ok, I can handle it. I still have my conscience because my heart is pure. How about yours, Señor Chicanery?

On another totally unrelated side note, Jack has a new blog! You can check it out here.

Rest in peace, my long lost friend............ *taps playing quietly in the background*

For Dramatic Effect...

2007-03-16T10:19:00.000-05:00

Enjoy.

The Wonders Never Cease

2007-03-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

The further I delve into Sean's secretive past, the weirder it gets. Through research, I've discovered that before Sean went to CBC, he spent some time in Australia, presumably on the mission field. I guess that explains this picture. As many know, The Wiggle's are the biggest thing to come from Australia since "Mad Max." They travel the world bringing love and joy to millions of children. The picture raises, however, an interesting question: Why isn't Sean still in the band?
At first I thought he was the "Pete Best" of the Wiggles, but it turns out that he left to pursue a singing career with another group. As of yet, the identity of this other "mystery" group remains..well...a mystery. More to follow...

Is Jack a Creepy Scientist?

2007-03-15T16:29:00.000-05:00

This picture would answer that question with a big affirmative.

I know, I'm running out of ideas....

Jack and His Buddy

2007-03-15T15:49:00.000-05:00

So apparently Jack and Rosie are pretty tight buds. For those of who who know Jack best, this comes to you as no surprise. Growing up, Jack was always the boy who played with girls instead of with the other boys. He was also always afraid to take a shower in the boys' locker room after gym class. He earned the nickname "Jack-a-roo" because he wore his undies into the shower one time. As it turns out, Rosie O'Donnell is the closest thing to a male friend that poor Jack has ever had (present company excluded). Well, I take that back. He does hang out with Scott Engebretson from time to time. Once again, for those of you who know both these guys, no big shocker there either......

Is no one safe?

2007-03-15T14:30:00.000-05:00

In my search for truth, my investigations have unearthed some more interesting photos. This particular photo is a mystery. I'm pretty sure that's Sean on the front of the scooter, but I am unable to make out who is on the back. Oddly, the only writing found on the photo is the phrase "Tyrone and me looking for Ms. Samsonite" scribbled on the back. I had heard that Sean had done some traveling (mostly Colorado and bordering states) so I guess it is safe to assume that this fellow is someone he met during that time...

I'm disappointed

2007-03-15T11:21:00.000-05:00

Sean,
I won't stoop to your level and "edit" pictures to make fun of you. Instead, I will take another approach and take you down a peg with hard-hitting journalism. I've been conducting an exhaustive investigation into your life and I've discovered a skeleton in you closet. You've always portrayed yourself as a staunch republican. Then how do you explain this? While sifting through some documents at the Democratic Headquarters, I found this photograph. It clearly shows you at a Clinton fund raising campaign dinner...rubbing elbows with big Hill herself. Unbelievable! Your duplicity will be your undoing! You think you know someone...

Jack is out of Control

2007-03-15T10:15:00.000-05:00

Caution: Clicking the picture above makes Jack even bigger than he already is.

Those of you up north who have been wondering whether or not Jack has been taking care of himself recently need to look no further than the picture you see here. Since Christmas, poor Jack has not been exercising or eating well, and his stress levels have shot through the roof. What stress you ask? Mostly like the kind that results from taking a consistent beating in Quake, having a slower computer than mine, and his ever-increasing bitterness towards all things good and wholesome in the world.

So if you have a spare moment, please pray for poor Jack. He is out of control and needs your support. Drop him a line to tell him that you support all 300+ pounds of him.

Ok, let's get something straight...

2007-03-09T16:47:00.000-06:00

Ok, so maybe Jack's base score is better, but that's not the whole picture.

Note the comparison of his PC rating and mine. The base score is determined by your single lowest subscore, it is not an average of all five.

My rating is on top in the picture to the left. Each red circle indicates where my rating is better than Jack's for each individual subscore. The green circles are where Jack's are better. Note the score: Sean - 3, Jack - 2. The only subscores where I fall short have to do with graphics, and that's because nVidia's graphics drivers for Vista are JUNK.

So, let the truth be told: The comparison isn't so lopsided after all. Besides, in the end, it wouldn't matter if Jack's PC rating was 310, he's still get spanked by me in Quake3.....

Oh, Vista...you!

2007-03-09T11:18:00.000-06:00

I'm kind of digging Micro$oft Vista. Thankfully, I run it on my work machine, so I didn't have to pay for it myself. I must say that you've GOT to be nuts to try and run it on 512MB of memory. No wonder MS recommends 1Gig of memory. The OS uses as much as it can. Thankfully it does a good job of freeing up memory as needed.

Still, it got old running Vista business on my "Vista Capable" Lenovo 3000 N100 with only 512. I went onto Newegg and ordered another 512 (too cheap to spring for the Gig) and waited with bated breath for my upgrade to arrive. Unfortunately, like my Thinkpad before my Lenovo, the memory was "unsupported" (even thought BIOS correctly recognized the new amount of memory) and wouldn't boot into the OS. Impatient as always, I did a little (better) research, and broke down and bought memory locally from BestBuy (which was close in price to Crucial.com). Ah, sweet speed at last! No more counting to five before Thunderbird opens...

As a side note, my Window Experience Index jumped from 2.3 to 3.1 with the upgrade. I can't image how ANYONE could survive with less than 3.o it. Not that its a competition or anything. It's strange...I thought MY video card would've been worse than, say, an Nvidia card in an HP.
Hmmm....

Retaliation...

2007-03-08T08:34:00.000-06:00

Ok, you know there's no way that Jack could post that picture of me without me replying somehow. So here it is, Jack in all his ambiguously gay glory. Enjoy (if you don't puke).

Congratulations Sean!

2007-03-07T19:40:00.000-06:00

Hey, everyone! (All two of you.)

Sorry that the pickin's have been kind of slim here on Sarkazmos. We do truly endeavor to provide quality information here on this blog, but sometimes life catches up with us and we don't update as much as we'd like (and you deserve!) I know that sickness and work have been eating all my time. I was beginning to wonder what Sean's deal was until I found this on Maytag's site. It turns out old Seano has been putting in a little overtime at his new job. Congratulations, Sean! I know you'll work even harder at your new job.

Unbelievable

2007-03-01T16:17:00.000-06:00

It's ok to be religiously intolerant on one hand (as long its making fun of the appropriate religion), yet its not ok to use a phrase that's been around since FOREVER! (Especially a phrase that no THINKING person should take offense at.)

People make my brain hurt. Well at least they didn't hurt my feelings....

Parting thought:

Dude.... that's so gay!

Flyers lose....again

2007-01-13T16:36:00.000-06:00

So...the Flyers lost again today. The worst part is they played pretty well. Actually, that isn't the worst part - they lost to the Penguins. Man I hate the Penguins. And the Rangers. And the Devils. And...well you get the point.

I must say this...The Penguins are an exciting team to watch. Houston or Portland will absolutely LOVE them! Sorry Pittsburg. Suckas!!!!

Yeah, I AM a sore loser.

New Years Resolution

2007-01-12T13:39:00.000-06:00

Hey everybody!

Some have assumed that since I've kept a low profile on the blog recently, that I've given it up. Fear not, for I am back. Sorry, I've been busy with moving and such...

Anyway, I wanted to share with you guys my new year's resolution. I'm heavier than I ought to be, so I thought that I should try to get into shape. My problem with dieting and exercise is that I usually give up about a week or so in. Motivation is the key to my success! I hope to use my friend Sean (of Sarkazmos fame) as a driving force to realize my goal of fitness. He has done incredible with his dieting. This picture was taken right before he came down to Mississippi. Obviously Tim Horton's donuts were not kind to him... Thankfully he is in much better shape now...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

2007-01-09T09:18:00.000-06:00

I just wanted the WHOLE WIDE WORLD to know that today is my friend's birthday. Hooray for Jack Lee! (He's 30 in case you were wondering...)

(Sorry, the mug shot was the only picture I could find of him.)

Send Jack your Happy Birthday e-cards to this e-mail address.

NJ Needs Deo for it's B.O.

2007-01-09T09:03:00.000-06:00

Ok, so anyone who knows my fellow blogger on this here blog knows where he's from. And any of these people familiar with the latest headlines should have already known what post was coming next on this blog. Therefore, in the interest of satisfying your curiosity and meeting all your expectations, I present to you the following news article:

from the NY Post,

N.J.'S P.U.
RIPENS APPLE
BELCHING BOG BLAMED FOR CITYWIDE GAS STINK
By TOM LIDDY, DAN KADISON and ANDY GELLER

January 9, 2007 -- Who cut the cheese?

New Jersey, apparently.

Across the length and breadth of Manhattan, people were asking, "What's that smell?" after a pungent odor like natural gas or rotten eggs blanketed the borough and northern New Jersey for three hours yesterday morning.

By evening, the answer seemed to be a stinky gas emitted by a New Jersey swamp or marsh.

Read...

Granted, this article was just a big softball. It's easy to take shots at my New Jersey friends when news like this hits breaks out -- even though my friends in particular aren't even currently in New Jersey, nor do they really smell all that bad. I mean, busting on them over how stank smelly their state is is almost as easy as busting on me for how stank smelly my team played last night. (My prediction: An Ohio State joke by the end of the day.)

In any case, I've created an e-mail account for all you well-wishers and advocates of personal hygiene to send me your pledges so that together we can buy our New (Not "Jew") Jersey friends some deodorant and make a difference for the sake of everyone's sanity and sense of smell: SaveTheSenseOfSmell@stinkystate.com.

Jack is...."gender challenged"

2007-01-06T17:08:00.000-06:00

This just in!!!!

Happy Holidays?

2006-12-23T21:24:00.000-06:00

On behalf of both of us here at Sarkazmos, I would like to wish all our readers a very happy and merry Christmakwanzaahanukkahmadan!

Sheesh, what a joke.

'Same Sex Unions' Prevail in Jersey Court

2006-10-25T15:05:00.000-05:00

Why doesn't this surprise me?

Given my experience with people from New Jersey, this is not a shock to me one bit. These folks are the prototypes of tolerance and gooey love.

Let's just hope that these Jersey people don't spill over into other states. If I knew someone from New Jersey lived in my home town, worked at my alma mater, and coached their volleyball team, I might just go crazy.

Ohio State Hockey invades Philly

2006-10-16T19:37:00.000-05:00

The Philadelphia Flyers have been making a habit out of picking up Ohio State hockey players. First they signed free agent RJ Umberger, then they got Eric Meloche, and then picked up Nate Guenin. The biggest surprise though, was that they drafted this guy. I can't seem to find his name anywhere, but I must say I'm impressed. He is a pretty imposing figure, and I'm positive he'll shore up the Flyer's Blueline. Hey, any guy that can skate with a high center of gravity like that HAS to be good. Seriously...look at that cranium! Just goes to show that there is hope for certain members of the Lee family to make a career out of hockey...

Mr. Anonymous Girls Volleyball Coach Guy

2006-10-12T21:49:00.000-05:00

I would like to offer this noose on behalf of a certain girls volleyball coach who had trouble -- ahem -- pulling out the victory.

Here's to you, Mr. Anonymous Girls Volleyball Coach Guy. Perhaps this rope will help "pull you through" the next time you find yourself in "such a bind."

What a breath of fresh air...

2006-10-11T16:00:00.000-05:00

Here is an interesting excerpt from ESPN.COM. Its an interview of Darcy Tucker(Toronto Maple Leafs) by David Amber.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amber: You've said that if you could meet one person, it would be President Bush. Why him?

Tucker: I would like to pick his brain. I think his political views are on the same line as my own. I think the wave of the future is someone who doesn't back down to terrorism. When I saw those planes go into the buildings in New York that day, that was the turning point, not only in the United States, but throughout North America. So I really back what he is trying to do.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teaser on the main NHL page was something about what Darcy Tucker would say if he met the president. Naturally, considering the amount of Political Celebrity Idiocy I've read about recently, I assumed that Mr. Tucker was going to trash our President. Given the bad blood between our countries in the hockey world (booing national anthems, etc.) I had even more reason to assume this. Thankfully I was wrong. It's nice to read something uplifting once in a while. Being a die-hard Flyer's fan, I must forever hate the Maple Leafs. But just this once I'll give a thumbs-up to Darcy Tucker.

Come game time, all bets are off....

Good wholesome music...

2006-10-10T14:07:00.000-05:00

Ah, Barbra Streisand... you are one classy lady.

Apparently at a NYC gig Streisand used some "comedy" to try and push her typical "anti-Bush" propaganda. She and a presidential look-alike apparently had a skit that made President Bush look like an idiot.

From audience accounts, the skit went too long, and Streisand started to get heckled by some in the audience who just wanted some music. (Honestly, what was that person expecting, a concert or something?!?!?)

At this point, Streisand screamed "Shut the (expletive) up!... Shut up if you can't take a joke!." (I guess she doesn't like jokes either.) At this, the audience cheered.

I don't know what what's sadder... that an "entertainer" goes nuts and tells some in the audience to off, or that the audience cheers after this tirade.

I don't believe audience members should act like animals at concerts, but I truly don't condone stars becoming less than animals.

Note to performers: Stick with what you are "good" at and leave politics for different venues. People pay for you to perform, not to force your opinions on them.

Jack Believes He Can Fly

2006-10-07T14:52:00.000-05:00

Jack and I made this video for the WBS Portal yesterday. We thought you might enjoy it.

Bounce, bounce, JAB!

2006-09-28T19:16:00.000-05:00

*Sigh*

Ok, look. So the Chinese are a different culture and I respect their history - yada, yada, yada... But come on, China. Kangaroo boxing? You have over a billion people in your country and you can only find kangaroos to fight your clowns? Or is it that only your clowns have the guts to stand up against this rare breed of fierce sparring kangaroos? Either way, this is unacceptable. Either your clowns find other people to fight or someone other than the funny guys stand up and face these fearsome foes.

What's next? Ballerinas vs. sharks with laser beams attached to their heads in an underwater cage match to the death?

A Tree Died for THIS?

2006-09-27T12:42:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking. "What in the world is that?" Wanna know what that is? That's the toothpick I got from the restaurant where I had lunch today. Why am I taking a picture of it and posting it on the blog? Well, I mean, look at it. It's easily the worst toothpick of all time. Seriously, whose teeth are gapped so badly as to necessitate a hunk of wood so thick? It looks like this toothpick is the product of Aboriginal R&D. Or perhaps this isn't even a toothpick at all. Perhaps this is a wood shaving from the local carpentry shop. That's it, the restaurant saved four whole dollars this fiscal year by switching from traditional toothpicks to carpentry scraps. "Who cares if they're functional, right? As long as we save our $4, the end justifies the means."

I think it's time that angry diners like you and me start standing up against this tyranny! We need to stick it to the man and assert our God-given right to legitimate toothpicks!

Who's with me?

Frustrated Sigh

2006-09-18T23:56:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know we're on this video kick right now, but please suffer me to post this one more.

Jack sent this to me last night, and while Jack is more than perfectly capable of posting this on his own, I'm going to take a cue from his recent absence from here and assume he'd rather leave it up to me to do this anyway...

So, without any further adieu, I present to you David Hasselhoff's latest and greatest, "Jump in My Car:"

(WARNING: Video may cause you to want to gouge your eyes out with a rusty butter knife or cram a pitchfork in your ear.)

Holy Pakistani Dance Steps!

2006-09-14T17:50:00.000-05:00

I picked this puppy up from Matt Friedeman's blog today. It is more than blogworthy. Enjoy.

WARNING: This video contains rhythmic dancing and hip-shaking women. Watch at your own spiritual risk.

"The" Nino is at it again

2006-09-13T22:49:00.000-05:00

El Nino is back up to its old tricks, wreaking havoc in the Pacific and striking fear in the hearts of many (read). I managed to secure never-before-seen footage of this rare and powerful force of nature. Both beautiful and terrible, one thing is for sure: Once you have watched El Nino in action, you will never be the same.

O-H...I-O

2006-09-09T23:01:00.000-05:00

That's all I have to say.

GO BUCKS!

INSPIRON 500M Review

2006-08-31T16:12:00.000-05:00

Since Sean made some cash doing his review, I figured I'd get in on the action. Here's my first attempt at a review.

I'm going to be covering the Dell Inspiron 500M. It has pretty modest specs as far as laptops go... Pentium M 1300mhz, 256MB RAM, Windows XP Home, etc. Pretty standard for lower end laptops. The case is pretty boring aesthically, with the typical gray and blue color scheme. I give it credit for not being really flimsy. It doesn't have the bad creaking-pop sound some laptops have (at least not as noticable as some HP's I've used). The keyboard has a nice feel to it, and the key layout is pretty standard.

Use-wise, you get the kind of performance you'd expect from a Pentium M class machine that is crippled by only having 256MB of memory. It's fine as long as you don't need to do any real multitasking (like sending AND receiving email). I do give a decent rating for battery life. I'm presently on a bench outside my place of employment, and I've been using it for about a...wow this feels a little hot. Hmmm... anyway I seem to get out of it a good 30 minutes longer when compared to a Compaq I used to own. I give credit to this Sony battery that Dell wisely included ... Is someone burning tires out here? OH CRAP, MY CROTCH IS ON FIRE!!!!

Google Doesn't Lie

2006-08-30T16:55:00.000-05:00

Once again, Google has it exactly right.

Mr. T on CNN

2006-08-30T16:43:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my brother who sent this to me.

My only question is just how on earth did the scrolling headlines along the bottom of the screen so perfectly coordinate with Mr. T's causes during this interview? Talk about your cosmic coincidences.

Sarkazmos Personals - - "Nukeboy" Profile Details

2006-08-25T09:14:00.000-05:00

"Nukeboy"

Age: 45; Tehran, Iran
Active during the last 3 days

About Me
First Name: Tom
Gender: Man seeking a Woman, or anything on two legs
Marital Status: Single - never married
Body Type: Muscular
Height: 6' 11"
Eyes: Steel Gray
Hair: Black
Ethnicity: Persian
Sense of Humor: Clever / Quick Witted, Dry / Sarcastic, Obscure
Social Setting: Shy at first, but warm up quickly, Home Body, Better in small groups, Comic Relief
TV Watching: Couch Potato, Daytime Soaps, Movies, Documentaries, Channel Hopper
Favorite Movies: Bridges of Madison County, Fahrenheit 9/11, The Runaway Bride, Legends of the Fall
Least Favorite Movies: Rocky, Schindler's List, Legally Blonde
Favorite Musician: Michael Boltin
Least Favorite Musician: Toby Keith
Smoking: Doesn't smoke
Drinking: Gatorade, Hot Tea, Shirley Temples
Have Kids: No
Want (more) kids: Yes, I want 100 kids so that I can have 100 friends so that no one can ever say no to being my friend
Education: College Grad
Employment Status: Full-time
Occupation: President
Income: 1 million kabillion rial/year
Religion: Shiite Muslim
Attend Services: Never
Political Views: Moderate to slightly extreme. Does wanting to kill every Jew on earth qualify as extreme?
Languages: Iranian, French, Shanawdithit, Mongolian, and three dialects of Juaneño
Interests: Community Service, Puppies, Reading, Travel, Nuclear Technology, Gaming, Mass Murder, Television, Cross Dressing, Board Games, Canine Cosmetology, NASCAR
Nicknames: Sharkfin, Cliffhanger, Red Steel, Tenderfoot
Favorite Weekend Activity: I love the circus, but those dang clowns scare the bejeebers out of me

In my own words
This shower loving, considerate and thoughtful professional is driven, active and adventurous. I've never hang glided, para sailed, sky dived, spelunked, ridden a lama or an ostrich, but I'm up for any of it. My life can sometimes be a little hectic, but that's the fun of it right? I love kids, plants and animals, but am currently without any, leaving much more time for you...

My friends describe me as easy-going, intelligent, funny, loyal, playful, fun, honest, caring, and spontaneous. I love to travel and to paint the town red. Being a home body is good too, especially if it's raining. I love to sleep late in the rain.

I would like to meet someone to hang out with, have some fun and see where it goes. Whether it's going to the movies, out to dinner or a quiet evening curled up on the couch at home, it's all about the company. Someone honest and caring, lovable and down to earth; who can make me laugh. I enjoy new experiences and I try to make every situation fun.

I think life is about the people you're with, so I want to find someone I'm compatible with no matter what we're doing (or not doing ;-). Also, I am an anti-Zionist, so hatred for Jews is a must. So, if you think we might be a good match, drop me a line.

One last thing: must have a sense of style.... I will need help decorating the world once I'm done conquering it.

How Sad

2006-08-24T21:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm a Buckeye fan. Anyone who has ever even heard of this blog should be aware of that by now. Truth is, I have a passion for OSU football that rivals most any other in my life. Perhaps that is why I am so deeply saddened by how Maurice Clarett has thrown his life down the tube. Or maybe it's something more.

Clarett threw his life away the moment his head got too big to fit in his helmet. Arrogance fueled his greed, and driven by greed he made one bad decision after another. He got mixed with the wrong crowd, got in over his head, and out of desperation he was driven to a life of crime. Sad indeed. Most people who see him in the news fall into the same mold: They see his life as a such a waste of football talent, and they call him names for being such a "thug." Then he is simply dismissed and left to be yet another sad statistic of today's troubled urban youth.

Me? Yeah, I fit into that category...at least, to an extent. Yes, it is a terrible waste of football talent. I mean, the kid would've won the stinking Heisman as a Sophomore and would now be raking in millions of dollars in the NFL if he had played just one more year! And yes, I think he's a thug. He clearly has a criminal mind, and I am all about people reaping the consequences for their actions. Truly, the death penalty should be considered for people who kill. And certainly, President Mahmoud Ahmadallynaggadinajadashush in Iran needs to be hung upside down by his toenails and have his head stuck in burlap sack full of slithering pythons. And yes, Maurice Clarett should go to jail.

But I am not prepared to dismiss him. Many people, whether or not they are OSU fans, talk about him with such disgust and contempt. They think he's worthless and should rot away behind bars. I simply feel sorry for him, not at the expense of justice, but because he is a snapshot of what a life bent on fame and fortune ultimately becomes. Whether or not those determined to have the things of the world end up in a literal prison is not the point, because in one way another they somehow become imprisoned by their obsession for wealth and glory. For those who have chosen this path for their lives, I offer these wise words of the old Crusader, "You have chosen.....poorly." How tragic.

So try to think twice from now on before you treat Maurice Clarett with such disgust. The criminal needs to pay for the crime, but that doesn't mean that he has any less value as a human being, or that he could never truly be reformed.

Maurice, I haven't given up on you.

HP DV2000t and DV1000 Comparison Update

2006-08-15T21:44:00.000-05:00

Since I first posted my comparison of the HP DV2000t and DV1000 multimedia laptops on July 27th, much has taken place. We have received thousands of hits from over 50 different countries from all parts of the globe. It has triggered many discussions, many of which can be seen in the original Quips section of the article itself. In addition, the technology website, Notebookreview.com, has published a slightly edited version of the article on their website. You can read the article and see people's comments here. I guess I'm just a little surprised at the level of interest people have had in this little comparison piece of mine. Anyway, for all three of you who might be interested in any of this tasty little morsel of information, there you go. Consider yourself officially updated.

AOL is the Devil

2006-08-07T19:31:00.000-05:00

In my studies in theology, I spend a lot of time thinking about heaven and hell. I ask questions like, "Who is God?" "Where do we all come from?" and "Where are we going?" One of the questions posed by theologians and non-theologians alike, however, centers around the topic of hell, or, namely, is there a hell? If so, what is hell like?

I have concluded that if there is a hell (and I do believe there is) that one may gain a taste of what it is like in this life. Wanna know how? Well, if you want to know what hell is going to be like, I suggest that you try to cancel an AOL dial-up account, for trying to cancel an AOL account is a little taste of hell on earth.

I'm sure you all have read the accounts in the news lately. Who could forget poor Vincent Ferrari's recording of him wrestling with a pushy AOL rep on the phone? And lately we hear about AOL's refusal to cancel the account of a dead man. I mean, come on, the guy's dead for crying out loud! Give him a break already!

I too had my own experience with AOL several years ago. As a poor college student, I signed up with AOL after coming across one of their many infamous software CDs in the mail. I installed the software, got hooked up, and began to surf using their proprietary browser. It didn't take long for me to get annoyed with the whole thing, so I proceeded to go through the steps to cancel my account.

Well, the lady that I talked to on the telephone wasn't about to let me cancel. She asked me over and over again questions like, "Why do you want to cancel?" and "What about the service don't you like?" This went on for about 10 minutes until a shouting match ensued, which resulted in me not only finally getting my service cancelled but hung up on as well. My family, who overheard my half of the conversation, was stunned. Neither they, nor I, had ever heard of or gone through anything like that before.

That was about five years ago. I assumed mine was an isolated case, at least until recently as these kinds of stories are making headlines.

So what is the moral of the story? Well, for those of you pondering the mysteries of dial-up Internet accounts, I would say stay away from AOL dial-up; and for those of you pondering the mysteries of the afterlife, I would say that, yes, I do believe that the Devil is a scary little yellow man running around with a pointed tail and pitchfork.

Wedding Pics

2006-08-04T21:00:00.000-05:00

An insider close to the family -- well, actually part of the family -- sent me some pictures of the Jack and Sarah wedding in New Jersey. I'm pretty sure that few who visit this blog will be interested in said pictures, but I'm posting them anyway just to embarrass and annoy Jack. Enjoy.

I'll let you guess which one was taken after the wedding......

Buckeyes #1 in 1st Coaches Poll

2006-08-04T07:50:00.000-05:00

Get ready, Buckeye fans. Opening kickoff is less than a month away, and already the Bucks are picked #1 in the USA TODAY Coaches' preseason poll:

"Ohio State, behind the electrifying offensive talents of quarterback Troy Smith and wide receiver Ted Ginn Jr., is No. 1 in the USA TODAY Coaches' preseason poll released Friday, their first time in the top spot since the end of the 2002 season.

"Today (Smith) is among the leading preseason candidates for the Heisman Trophy with boyhood friend Ginn, 21, a junior. Ginn, a wide receiver/kick return specialist, arguably could be the most electrifying player in the college game this fall. In two seasons he has six touchdowns on returns, six receiving and three rushing."

Read.

I don't know about the rest of you, but reading this article made me even more ready for some Buckeye action. All I can say is praise Jesus for ESPN Gameplan for those of us who don't get the Buck's regional coverage!

GO BUCKS!

"Hungary" for Chuck

2006-08-01T23:19:00.000-05:00

From Reuters via ABC News Online:

-------------
The American action hero Chuck Norris is leading a government poll in Hungary that has been set up to find a name for a new bridge in Budapest.

The name "Chuck Norris Bridge" has attracted more than 8,000 votes or 11 per cent of the Internet poll.

It puts the actor just ahead of a Hungarian humorist and the country's first king, Stephen the Great.

A government committee will review the outcome of the poll next month before making a final decision.
--------------

Ah, just as I suspected -- the Europeans' love affair with washed-up American stars continues. Next up: A tollroad in Belgium named "Hasselhoff Way."

Come on, Europe... seriously.

~Thanks to Erin for tipping me to this article. God bless you, Erin!

Kim Jong-who?

2006-07-31T20:57:00.000-05:00

If you're wondering why crazy-haired North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il looks so vertiginous, it's because he never expected the world to lose interest in him so quickly. Apparently the attention-craved czar and closet Jacki Chan impersonator thought he could impress the nations with his ill-guided bottle rockets that made a "splash" in the Sea of Japan. But recent events in the Middle East, Malibu, and the Darbyville soapbox races snatched the spotlight off of him and the flaming cannonballs his military catapulted a whole 400 yards out to sea. Determined to make the world pay attention to him, Kim's next round of shenanigans include mixing baking soda with vinegar, holding his breath for three whole minutes, and bench pressing 190 pounds.

So keep an eye on Fox News, CNN, and PBS, because you never know what that crazy Kim Jong-il is going to do for attention next.

HP DV2000t and DV1000 comparison

2006-07-27T21:05:00.000-05:00

Recently I upgraded laptops. My old laptop is an HP Pavilion DV1000, and I upgraded to HP's new DV2000t. I got a great deal on the new one and found a way to help someone out with the old one. I wasn't sure whether to go with the HP or one of Apple's new MacBooks, but in the end my long-running relationship in good standing with HP, coupled with the fact that I could get a whole lot more machine for a lot less money, made my decision for me. (Plus, 12 months no interest/no payments is pretty appealing.)...READ MORE (warning: lots of pictures).

UPDATE: Many of you must click "Read More" to see where you have commented.

The Wedding Countdown

2006-07-22T14:20:00.000-05:00

Congratulations Jack and Sarah Lee for tying the knot!

Here's to you, Jack and Sarah, for your big day, adventurous honeymoon, and return to the land of goat milk, litter, and sweltering heat!

I pronounce you Jack and Sarah Lee.

The Colonel let me down. Again.

2006-07-21T20:09:00.000-05:00

On my way to NJ, I stopped at an Alabama KFC for lunch. Feeling a little wild, I opted for the Buffalo Snacker meal. Let's just say it took a while. I actually got to see the hen lay the egg, the chick to hatch, it grow to maturity, it die and become marinated with Buffalo sauce. Yes, it took that long. The service was so "good" at the particular KFC that I almost forgot I wasn't in Jackson. At least the sandwich was good. I tried not to wonder how much sweat Bubba the cook managed to swab into the Buffalo sauce. No pit hairs either!

I must say my dinner stop faired much better. What a difference a couple of hundred miles makes. At a Northern Tennessee Taco Bell, I actually got my food before I even had time to get my soda. Here's the cool part... the Taco Bell shared space with Krystal so I got to pick whether I wanted Coke or Pepsi. Sweeeeet! I ain't no Jeff Gordon supportin' lowlife so I picked the Coke, of course. Pepsi, the choice of a lame generation...

I think I'm going to start following, gulp, hockey...

2006-07-19T21:38:00.000-05:00

I hear all the time about how great hockey is. That's all some people can talk about. I mean, even though back home every person I know loves football, now I am exposed to a different demographic of sports fans. I went from knowing zero hockey fans to a whopping two, and boy do they make some GREAT points. I'm starting to finally give in to their reasoning and I find myself becoming more and more willing to embrace this unique sport.

How foolish I have been all these years following college football. I mean, now I come to think about it, it is pretty anticlimactic attending a football game at the OSU horseshoe. Watching a game with 104,000 other screaming fans really isn't all the exciting. And the team is pretty lame. I mean, they've only won a major BCS bowl championship three out of the last four years. The rivalry against the team up north is pretty boring too. I hate tradition! In the end, college football just isn't...Canadian enough for me.

I guess it's time to suck it up and embrace a real man's sport: Hockey. It will be like a true homecoming. Hockey, you and your low-scoring games with random and confusing substitutions and sell-out crowds that equal the south bleachers at the shoe on a good day, I am sorry for turning from you and loving college football instead. Will you ever forgive me?

Sorry, Jim. I've found something more exciting than your yearly placement in the nation's top teams and run for the national championship, or your almost perfect record against the maze and blue. I have found a new love. It's called hockey, and boy is it exciting.....

I think I'm going to start following College Football

2006-07-19T20:11:00.000-05:00

I think I'm missing out on a lot. Seriously. All the guys at work sit around and brag about how good their respective teams are, and I have nothing to say. Obviously hockey is the greatest sport known to man, but I have no one to talk to about it. So I guess I'll bite the bullet and learn love college football. The problem is, I don't know who to pull for. All my friends went to the schools they pull for (surely), so they have it easy. I went to a no-name school so I'll have to do some soul-searching to find the right team. So, bloggers, who do you recommend? By the scoreboard on the picture, I know who NOT to pull for...

Fun With Google

2006-07-18T16:43:00.000-05:00

For once I agree with Google.

Enjoy the screenshot.

Your comments are welcome.

Smoking Gun

2006-07-12T16:45:00.000-05:00

I had the amazing good fortune of finding this old mugshot of Jack long before he cleaned up his act a few years ago. It seems that Jack was once arrested for software piracy and vandalism. He was ripping off copies of MS Office and trying to put them on his old Mac. He was also spray painting "Apple Forever" on the outer walls of the local Microsoft dealer in New Jersey. You'll notice that this mugshot predates Jack's nose job, and it was taken long before he was able to harness his bitterness.

I dedicate this picture to Sarah Lee. Nobody doesn't like her, especially big-nosed Jacko here.

(Just kidding about the whole "arrested" thing. Sorry Jack for all the slander.)

"Pass the deep-fried Cheez Whiz, please!"

2006-07-11T22:56:00.000-05:00

Recently I watched an animated timeline showing the national trend of obesity presently plaguing the United States. The CDC released data showing how the number of states whose populations were at least 25% obese has steadily grown over the last several years. The animated map/timeline is pretty saddening; I suggest you watch it! It can be found here.

Anyway, I noticed that prior to 1997 no state had a population that was at least 25% obese. But guess what: Mississippi was the first to break that barrier! Looks like we Magnolia fatties enjoy our Krispy Kreme doughnuts and deep-fried chitlins a little more than everyone else in the country. It's actually pretty sad. Perhaps that's why the roads are so bad around here - we all weigh so much!

So in honor of this blubbery state that I call home, I thought I would post a couple pictures of myself. The first one is from my wedding day back in 2003. I was young and trim in those days. But now things are different, as you can see in the second picture, taken just last week. If you look closely enough you can actually see the effects that living in Mississippi has had on my physical condition. I know that you may not be able to detect it with the naked eye, but yes I have put on a few pounds here and there.

Post your comments and/or recipes. In the meantime, I've got some mini crullers that are simply calling my name...

Another NBA Rant

2006-07-07T16:28:00.000-05:00

Young Knicks rip fired coach Brown

FOXSports.com
Posted: 3 hours ago

A quick glance at some of the New York newspapers indicates that at least some younger Knicks players were either unhappy, confused — or both — in their lone season under fired coach Larry Brown.

Brown and the players had been under a gag order while the Knicks' brass — namely chairman James Dolan and team president Isiah Thomas — worked out a pink-slip plan for the veteran coach.

The players, however, were free to speak with the news media from a recent summer league practice in Las Vegas.

Point guard Nate Robinson was one of three rookies whose floor time was varied to say the least.

"Coach Brown is so old-school," Robinson told the New York Post. "He wants everything done just like this, not getting the crowd involved. Isiah wants everyone to have fun.

"At first he (Brown) was trying to take my joy (away) — don't do this, don't do that. At the same time I had people in my corner saying, 'Don't ever change who you are. You got here by being who you are. By being Nate Robinson,'" he said.

Forward Channing Frye showed considerable promise as he averaged 12.3 points and 5.7 rebounds under Brown last season. But the former University of Arizona star told the New York Daily News that the season was a "giant circus" and that Thomas, as the new head coach, has provided "positive reinforcement."

It sounds as if forward David Lee tried to go with the flow. But here's the problem: There was no such thing.

"Toward the end of the season it was so up and down," Lee reportedly told The Post. "I told myself when I get on the floor just make the most of the opportunity because I didn't really understand what was going on.

And it appears that Lee did not try too hard to figure out Brown's unpredictable substitution patterns.

"I didn't ask too many questions," Lee said. "I couldn't figure out what was going on. It's a lot easier to play when you know what's expected out of you. I think things will change that way and people will have a better idea of what they're supposed to do."

Brown, when he was contacted for comment by The Post said, "I'm not getting into any of that. I'm just trying to move on with my life."

_______________________________________________________________

Wow. That's classy. I don't know what I find more obnoxious, another idiot New York-based team screw up or another moronic NBA player. "Coach Brown is so old-school." Is that a bad thing? Teaching sound fundamentals over selfish showboating should be reinforced by the league, not condemned. "(Brown) was trying to take my joy (away)." Hey genius, maybe you should practice playing the game the right way, then you'd find your joy. Delight in teamwork. Make the unselfish play for the betterment of the team. Work on being a complete player, not just another one trick pony. Realize that you're being payed WAY TOO MUCH to play a GAME, and love it! Master these recommendations, and you'll get your "joy" back. Better yet, work on being a better man, and these things will come naturally. Don't be a pansy and run your mouth after the guy you're really AFRAID of is out of the picture. (Honestly, does it make you feel like a big man knowing you can shoot off your mouth and not be held responsible?) Learn to shut your mouth and receive good instruction. Work on being responsible, moron. Then, and only then, will you athlete-types get the attention and respect that you crave. Grow up already.

"Tumbleweeds in Aisle Five"

2006-07-05T21:41:00.000-05:00

Today Jack and I had the wonderful privilege of going to the brand new Lowe's Home Improvement warehouse here in Jackson to purchase a new refrigerator. While the store itself is impeccable and the refrigerator selection was superb, the service was - well, shall we say - moribund. Mortified by the deathly stillness created by the cadaverous amount of customer service representatives nowhere nearby, Jack and I decided to try and breathe some new life into the graveyard I like to call "Appliances." Spotting a service request button located on the nearest support column, we "mashed" the button in the attempt to summon some help. A mere 20 minutes - and every type of annoying storewide service announcement later - a Lowe's service associate finally managed to make his way to help us out. From then on the trip went smoothly, except for the fact that they didn't have the model of refrigerator we wanted. But we finally managed to leave the store in just a hair short of an hour.

I'd just like to say thank you to the wonderful customer service that makes Lowe's of Jackson a great place to shop for all my home improvement needs.

Problems in New Jersey

2006-07-04T22:07:00.000-05:00

TRENTON, N.J. (AP) - As the state government shutdown threatened to close Atlantic City's casinos, Gov. Jon S. Corzine on Monday said New Jersey lawmakers must report to the Statehouse on July Fourth and stay there until they adopt a budget. Story

Things are getting pretty desperate for the state of New Jersey. Apparently the state's surplus of casino gambling, drug running, and prostituting aren't enough to correct its whopping $4.5 billion budget deficit. Residents loyal to the state and its Democrat governor have banded together and taken to the streets this 4th of July holiday season to try and boost the struggling economy. I managed to acquire the photograph you see here of one (former) New Jersey resident who is offering his expertise in HTML coding to help right the sinking ship.

If you have a creative idea or suggestion for the state of New Jersey that might help them get out of debt, post it here. I'm sure state officials will see your comments as we all know that high-profile lawmakers frequent this site on an almost daily basis.

"Spare Me My Life"

2006-06-30T08:57:00.000-05:00

Ok, so a friend of mine came across this video recently. It's a Japanese workout video that teaches Japanese women (and possibly men) common English phrases that they might need to know before going to America. It's actually a really smart idea, teaching people a foreign language as they work out. I just feel sorry for the poor Japanese women who used this video to prepare to come to the States. It must have been terrifying to learn that the most important English phrases they needed to master before crossing the Pacific were, "Take anything you want," and, "I was robbed by two men."

This video is not meant in any way to ridicule Japanese people as a whole. I just got tickled by the things that the women were saying, that's all. I know that this video does not represent all Japanese people, just like I would hope that the Japanese don't think that the people they see on American television don't represent all Americans. If you are Japanese and this video embarrasses you, take comfort...at least you don't have Tom Cruise.

Pimp Tax?

2006-06-28T09:25:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Republican Sen. Charles Grassley of Iowa is hoping to stamp out the sex trade by taxing pimps and prostitutes, then jailing them when they don't pay. -link

Apparently, Senator Grassley wants the IRS to institute a "pimp tax" to try to put the pressure on pimps who don't provide a W-2 for their prostitutes. I guess the Senator wants it to be illegal for a prostitute to not be registered with Uncle Sam.

Come on, seriously, a pimp tax? You've got to be kidding. I mean, saying that pimps should register their prostitutes with a W-2 makes it sound like pimping is a legitimate business. Why isn't it enough to just say that prostitution is illegal...period? Doesn't this measure legitimize the pimp trade by giving it some kind of tax status? Unbelievable.

Perhaps we should start taxing drug dealers too. I mean, drug dealers make all sorts of untaxed income. The least we could do is make sure Uncle Sam gets what's his so that he can fund some more worthless social programs, right? I'm going to write my Senators today; I urge you to do the same.

I sure hope Mississippi institutes the pimp tax. Maybe then we could see some improvements on the roads here in Jackson, although I sincerely doubt it. If they can't fix the roads with the money they make from my car tags alone, there isn't a tax or a grant big enough on earth that could fix them.

Aren't Vacations the Greatest?

2006-06-23T10:14:00.000-05:00

So last week I spent my time vacationing at the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I've never been to the Outer Banks before, so this was an exciting experience for both my wife and me. Plus, given the recent stresses in my life, I was REALLY in need of some relaxation time.

A whole week lying on a beach and staying up late playing Texas Hold'em (not for money, thank-you very much, but for bragging rights among my siblings) allows for plenty of time for reflection on some of what makes vacations great. Here's a brief summary of what I have concluded:

1. Vacations are great because you don't have to work.
2. Vacations are great because you have an excuse to spend absurd amounts of money on worthless trinkets.
3. Vacations are great because you get to spend long hours in close proximity to those you love the most on earth.......oh wait, that one was supposed to go on my "other" list. Oops! Oh well...
4. Vacations are great because you get to see new places. Trust me, the white sandy beaches of the Outer Banks were a MUCH needed change of scenery from Jackson, MS.
5. And lastly, above all else, vacations are great because you can eat ANYTHING you want, for just about ANY amount that you want, without considering the physical or financial consequences. Ah, yes, a week of eating strawberry milkshake Pop-tarts, Cinnamon Life cereal, and bacon for breakfast, last night's leftovers for lunch, and then a $25 per person all-you-can-eat seafood buffet for dinner, with dessert for all three meals, and snacks in between. I could get into some of that, buddy!

And I did. In fact, someone took a snapshot of the airplane I got on at the end of the trip. Apparently they did a poor job of balancing out the weight on board, because as soon as I went back to my seat in the back of the plane, those added vacations pounds caught up to me....

Anyway, God bless vacations, and may God bless my waistline, belt buckle, and the neighbors downstairs from our apartment who now have to listen to squeaky floor boards when I roll - er, I mean "walk" around my apartment.

All Quiet on the Western Front

2006-06-21T13:39:00.000-05:00

Definition of Shell shock

As defined by medterms.com

Shell shock: The World War I name for what is known today as post-traumatic stress, this is a psychological disorder that develops in some individuals who have had major traumatic experiences (and, for example, have been in a serious accident or through a war). The person is typically numb at first but later has symptoms including depression, excessive irritability, guilt (for having survived while others died), recurrent nightmares, flashbacks to the traumatic scene, and overreactions to sudden noises. Post-traumatic stress became known as such in the 70s due to the adjustment problems of some Vietnam veterans.

...or those who've had family with young children come to visit. I love them all, but I am DEFINITELY not ready for kids right away. The picture to the right is me after only one day of "visiting". I hope natural family planning works...

The Wonderful World of Video

2006-06-21T13:03:00.000-05:00

As I'm sure you may have already noticed, we have finally figured out how to embed video files directly into the blog. We see this as an open door into a whole new world of possibilities for blog content. I would encourage you to check back frequently, for you never know when the video gods may strike. In the meantime, if you get bored and wish it was Christmas in June, click on the new link to the right under 'Places that are cool' to watch the video I created last Christmas.

Worst Weatherman of All Time

2006-06-21T09:34:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, you take great pleasure in being made to feel uncomfortable. Perhaps that's why I enjoy watching The Office so much... Anyway, if you are REALLY interested in squirming for an agonizing three minutes, watch this video of the WORST weatherman EVER.

Ah, there's no place like home....

2006-06-20T09:04:00.000-05:00

Truly it is great to be home. I attended a wedding in Indiana this weekend, and the trip really wore me out. I've never been to Indiana (I think), so it was neat journey.

Note to travelers... if a Taco Bell seems to be surrounded by HUGE puddles after a typhoon-class rain storm, avoid eating there. Apparently that "water" isn't only water. Remember boys and girls, when storm run-off can't go down, usually "less pleasant" water can't go down either. Sewage and tacos do NOT mix (but I ate them anyway).

I knew I was truly home when I stopped in Batesville, MS to get gas. After using Sarah's speedpass to buy about a $1000 dollars (about 5 gallons) worth of gasoline, we went inside to buy some crackers and drinks. The speedpass would not swipe inside. Instead of trying to help figure out why, the attendant, who sounded suspiciously like lunch lady Doris, just kept repeating "it says denied".

Hey, I know it might have be really "denied", but considering that we just used it to buy fuel, you'd think she'd be a little more helpful. I loved her helpfulness. I guess it was prepping me for my return to Jackson....

"Wang Chung" Defined At Last

2006-06-19T09:29:00.000-05:00

Ever since 1986 the entire world has been trying to figure out just how exactly they were to "have fun tonight." We all knew that the answer could be found in the mystical lyrics of an 80's pop hit, but for 20 years now the jury has been out as to what "chung" really is and what it means to actually "wang" it.

Well folks, the age old riddle has been solved at last. For those of you perplexed and baffled by this enigmatic imperative, you may now find relief for your weary minds. If you really, really want to know how to wang chung, follow this link right here. But beware, this video might literally make you wang chung...and by "wang" I mean "toss," and by "chung" I mean "your cookies."

Choke

2006-06-18T18:29:00.000-05:00

In honor of his wonderful hole 72 choke at the U.S. Open, I offer this noose on behalf of Phil Mickelson.

Here's to you, Phil.

Sean Michael Hasselhoff

2006-06-12T15:58:00.000-05:00

I will never make fun of David Hasselhoff again.

As I walk down the sandy shores of the Outer Banks this week, I am faced with tremendous guilt for making fun of the former Bay Watch star and Euro-pop icon. I used to laugh at how he would suck in his stomach all the time in the vain attempt at looking fit compared to the anorexic underwear models that co-starred next to him. I used to wonder if his head was going to explode under the intense pressure of sucking in his gut with all his strength. Fortunately for him, he only had to suck it in long enough to shoot each shot -- 10, 15, maybe 20 seconds as a time. But I...I have to hold in in for the entire afternoon. Yesterday my eyes almost bulged out of their sockets at one point. Today I actually passed out for five or ten minutes, but that was ok because everyone showered me with attention and food due to their pity. (Like I need more food...)

Oh yes, I will never make fun of you again, David...at least, not until I get back from the beach.

Guest Movie Review by the Juggernaut

2006-06-09T14:34:00.000-05:00

Oh, yeah b'for you read dis, this has some movie spoilers in it, ya pencilnecks...

Just for kicks, I went to see X-Men 3 the other night. I usually avoid the movies, being a wanted fugitive and all, but hey, I figgered what th' heck. I heard my likeness was used in it (I sold out to Marvel...I needed the money....I got tax problems, whatever), and I thought I'd get a chuckle outta seeing myself on the big screen. So I goes over to th' concessions counter to get a Juggernaut-sized drink.... $3.75?!?!? AND THEY CALL ME A CRIMINAL!!!! At least it had free refills (by the way, I found out that I don't got a Juggernaut-sized bladder.) I get in the stoopid theater, and I gots to sit inna back 'cause apparently I got a huge head. (I swear, I shoulda crushed that mouthy soccer-mom.) I tell ya, the movie started out good....they ace that powder puff Cyclops in the first coupla minutes (everyone knows Wolverine's the star anyway). Then they really cheese me... I gets to see me on the screen. That guy was tiny! Maybe by Spiderman standards he's big, BUT I'M THE JUGGERNAUT!!!! On top o' that, he's a limey!!!! I wuz born n' breed in the states, an' proud of it. To add insult to injury, he has 'bout 2 lines. Come on now...I'm the funniest guy I know. Crap. Then, they have me knock myself out chasing Sinead O'Connor and some ghost-chick. Unbelievable!!!! I gotta admit, I was pretty steamed (sorry 'bout that Starbucks). But I felt better after I saw that Finnish Video on this here blog. Geez, I weigh a metric ton, and I got better moves than those losers! Funny stuff!
All in all, I guess X3 was ok. At least Charlie X got axed by that hottie (see ya Chuck). Jus' a final thing I wanta say ta the guys who defamed me in that show...
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE JUGGERNAUT!!!!

Auf Wiedersehen!

2006-06-09T14:17:00.000-05:00

The Von Trapp children would like to extend a farewell performance in honor of the recently deceased Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I'm sure they sing on behalf of the whole world. We will miss al-Zarqawi and his ruthless antics. I mean, who can behead innocent hostages better than he? Who can hide in cowardice while growing a giant, unkempt bushy beard with greater precision than he? Who can replace his tactical skills in engineering the most diabolical crimes against humanity? Who has a worse body odor? I daresay the answer to all these questions is undeniably nobody!

So, Von Trapps, go ahead, and bid the fallen a fond adieu.

"So long, farewell....."

Only in Bangkok

2006-06-09T10:11:00.000-05:00

Now here's a headline you don't see every day. Poor dwarves. They can't get a fair shake anywhere they go. Whether it's buildings and vehicles that are built for "big" people in America, or hungry, hungry Hippos in Thailand, the "man" has his boot on the little people's back.

My only question is this: Since this particular dwarf just happened to be a "carny," does that mean he had really small hands??? "And now deep thoughts, by Sean Scribner......"

Thanks to my sister-in-law for sending me this article, although I'm highly skeptical of its authenticity.

Benedict Apple

2006-06-08T13:53:00.000-05:00

I have always been a die hard Windows/PC man, but I gotta' admit, the new Macbook Pro is pretty sweet. I don't know much of anything about Apple products (other than the iPod, of which I own 2), but this is one of the most beautiful pieces of hardware mine eyes have ever beheld. Does anyone own one of these, and if so, is it as good as it looks?

Bombs Away

2006-06-08T11:38:00.000-05:00

Here is the exclusive transcript of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's meeting moments before he tried to catch two 500lb. bombs with his face...

Hello my minions. I am happy to say that things are going swimmingly with our terror projects. Sure, we've been going through a dry spell of sorts, but we have had some victories for our god! Just the other day we TP'ed a Hummer on the outskirts of Baghdad. Hah-hah, that will teach those dirty American's not to feed and clothe our countrymen. Yes, we will continue to neglect and destroy our own people in the name of our god...praise be to Allah!!!

Our fearless leader is hiding in caves, bravely leading our cause, while eating sand and desert rats. Such courage has not been known since...hey, what's that whistling noise? Is someone making tea?

-end transmission

Chuck Norris Fact #76

2006-06-08T11:14:00.000-05:00

CHUCK NORRIS FACT #76:
In his spare time, Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters... and by "knit" I mean "kick," and by "sweaters" I mean "babies."

You Should Be Ashamed, Finland

2006-06-07T11:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I accidentally came across the worst music video EVER MADE. Yes, it is true. Worst music video... EVER. Trust me, there have been a lot of bad ones. But this one's the worst.

The song is called "I Wanna Love You Tender," and is sung by a Finnish duo that calls itself Armi & Danny. You can watch the video here. The first thing you might notice is the horrific dance routine performed by about a dozen dancers. The choreography looks like something that was scrawled on a bar napkin by some drunken dance teacher. Like a car wreck, it's horrible to watch yet impossible to look away. Then Danny comes in and you will notice that the top button of his shirt is located somewhere near the naval region. I need to find me one of those, although I doubt there are any Finnish thrift stores in Jackson. And lastly, you'll notice the loathsome and obnoxious lyrics (which I will post below). I'll let them speak for themselves.

All in all, this music video is an abomination to man and an affront to God. Finland, you ought to be ashamed and embarrassed for this. In fact, I have half a mind to burn your flag!

¡No viva el Finland!

Lyrics:

I love you, I wanna love you tender.
You could be my only sweet surrender.
I would never bring you any kind of sorrow.

You love me, you wanna love me tender.
How can I be sure you're not pretender?
You want me today,
But what about tomorrow?

Oh, you're absolutely fine,
Your lips are taste of wine.
I'd like to think you're mine.
And if I could touch your hand,
This rock would turn to sand,
So this is where we stand.

You love me, you wanna love me tender.
How can I be sure you're not pretender?
You want me today,
But what about tomorrow?

I love you, I wanna love you tender.
I just want to be your loving fender.
I would like to take you;
I know I can't deceive you.

I love you, I do can be so tender.
I can be your only sweet surrender,
And if you give your heart,
I'll never ever leave you.

Oh, you're absolutely fine,
Your lips are taste of wine.
I'd like to think you're mine.
And if I could touch your hand,
This rock would turn to sand,
So this is where we stand.

If we all say 'Wanna love you tender,"
No-one has to be a great pretender.
And this world would be
A better place to live in.

By the way, I hated this video so much that I downloaded it and converted the file for use on my iPod video. It's just that bad.

For Sale (or for ridicule)

2006-06-06T13:48:00.000-05:00

Meet Zoe. She is a one year old Cockapoo. For those of you unfamiliar with a Cockapoo, it is a rare mix-breed that is part canine, part rat, and part stuffed animal. Many desire owning a Cockapoo due to its hypoallergenic composition (IE. zero dander), it's puppyish charm, or in some instances, the money to be made from cockfighting. If you are fortunate to ever come upon one of these highly sought after beasts, and for whatever reason desire to own one, be forewarned -- they are not cheap. Not only must you fork over loads to cash to own one, but you must also deal with the residual costs of feeding it, grooming it, replacing the carpet it ruins, and the inevitable attorney fees from the lawsuits filed by guests who get molested by it. Zoe is a special Cockapoo in that she has learned all of three tricks: sitting, shaking, and infuriating her master (which, by the way, she is particularly good at). If you desire to own one of these lovable, huggable little pests for the sake of adding a pet to your family, expanding your collection of stuffed animals, or for crossbow target practice, send me an e-mail at anticockapooalliance@godblessthecockapoos.org. Thanks.

Devil's Day?

2006-06-06T09:35:00.000-05:00

Greetings. My name is...um, I'll just go by "S" for the time being. I'm here to express to you my supreme delight, for today is what some are calling, "Devil's Day." Not that this has anything to do with me, mind you. I just enjoy sitting back and watching the way that some people are acting over today's date. You see, the date today is - get this - June 6th...... 2006! Hee hee hee. Get it? 06.....06.....06. 6-6-6? Tee hee hee! You know what that means, right? You don't? Oh, well let me tell you. It means.......... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! That's the funny part. While all these crazy people are running around like it's the end of the world, the really funny thing is that today is NO DIFFERENT than any other day. HAARGH!!!

You see, these people think that the "devil" is at work today more than any other day. They think that I - I mean, "he" - will somehow be thwarted by what they're calling "violent worship and praise." Don't believe me? Check out this story. Sure, the "devil" hates it when people pray and all, but that's why days like today make me so happy - I mean, make the "devil" so happy. These people concentrate all their attention on a single day, all the while falsely assuming that today is actually special, and in the meantime they're making the people who take the "devil" seriously all year long look like religious cooks. OOH! It makes me giggle!

Please excuse me. I have a party to attend to mark this special occasion. I'll be in Hell..... Hell, MICHIGAN, that is. I'll be drinking "fire" water, and eating "hot" fries. It'll be a real barn "burner."

But please, don't tell these particular evangelicals the truth about today. I'm enjoying this way too much.

Excuse Me, Please

2006-06-05T15:10:00.000-05:00

There is nothing more frustrating to me when I am trying to go through the store than when someone parks their cart right in the middle of the aisle and walks off. It never fails; it happens every time you go. Go to Wal-Mart, Kroger, Piggly Wiggly, wherever, and invariably you will encounter someone who has stopped right in the middle of the aisle. Usually it's a woman (no offense ladies, but it's true), and they'll stop their cart in the one place where no one else can get around and then walk off leaving it there unattended. Meanwhile, as the line builds up of other shoppers who want to get around, you try to squeeze your own cart through but succeed only in knocking things off the shelves and making a big mess. I'm usually too courteous to say something other than a polite "Excuse me." Sometimes I wish I were a bitter old fool who cares nothing of what people think so that I could take a running start and smash into their cart like a runaway freight train sending groceries all over the place and making a mangled mess of our shopping carts. But instead I wait patiently, silently, all the while wishing I were the manager of the store so that I could erect signs everywhere telling people to either move it or lose it.

So folks, please, stop parking your buggies in the middle of the aisle before wandering off into Neverland. You never know, some guy may snap one day and go postal on you and/or your shopping cart.

"Clean-up on aisle 5!"

Go Bucks!

2006-06-02T14:23:00.000-05:00

Since we're on the topic of sports, I just want to take this opportunity to bring up the fact that the Buckeyes are going to whoop up on everyone this 2006 football season. Think I'm the only one who thinks this way? Don't just take my word, take theirs:

Buck Starts Here - Sports Illustrated

Buckeyes, Sooners lead post-spring Top 25 - ESPN

Ohio State Heads Preseason Top 25 in College Football - Rivals.com

You don't have to agree with the analysts, and you certainly don't have to agree with me. But we'll see who's right and who's wrong this season when the Bucks are marching it up all over the field.

Go Canes!

2006-06-02T00:49:00.000-05:00

Thank you Hurricanes for silencing those obnoxious Buffalo Sabres fans. No more obnoxious quips from the denizens of the "Mistake on the Lake."

Too bad you left Hartford, though. You will always be the Whalers to me.

LONG LIVE THE WHALERS!!!!

Get WHAT Done????

2006-06-01T11:50:00.000-05:00

Yes, Larry the Cable Guy, ladies and gentlemen. We've all seen him gracing our TV screens, and I think he's supposed to be coming out with a "major motion picture" sometime soon (if not already).

Some call him funny.

Others call him stupid.

Me? I call him perplexing.

"Why perplexing?" you ask. Well, for the most part I guess I understand the whole "redneck" routine and all. Even though it's been done over and over again, I suppose it's still funny. And a cable guy? I get it - cable guys are usually annoying, you know, being omnipresent and all.

But I guess the true source of my bewilderment over this enigmatic cultural phenomenon is "r" (pronounced, "er"). I mean, what is "r" anyway? And, more specifically, how does one get "r" done? Is "r" some random task that cable guys normally encourage people to accomplish? Is "r" a particular kind of meat that needs to be cooked all the way through to eliminate the dangers of food-bourne illness? Or is "r" simply some form of encrypted "redneck" language admonishing fellow "rednecks" to perform whatever necessary duties one must perform to sustain the "redneck" status? I don't understand.

I really would like to know, Larry, what "r" is, so that whatever it is I can get it done!

What's the matter with you, egg head!

2006-06-01T09:20:00.001-05:00

Ah, the egg, nature's perfect shape. It's spherical design makes it the perfect refuge of safety for it's incubating inhabitant. Ever try to break an egg by squeezing it in your hand? Good luck, pal; it's not going to happen. The physics of its design render it virtually indestructible under intense compression.

I wish there was some way to take the properties of an egg and apply them to a car. Just think, a car with the safety and security of nature's impregnable spheroid.

Recent car makers have tried to replicate the form and function of the egg (take the Volkswagen Beetle for example), but they have not yet created a practical consumer-oriented product that truly lives up to its inspiration.

Perhaps you're wondering why I am so concerned with safety on the road. My question for you is, "Have you ever lived in Jackson, Mississippi?" Take a drive down any one of our roads and you will see for yourself what I'm talking about. The head-jarring cracks in the pavement. The tooth-rattling potholes. The ill-timed traffic lights. The diabolically painted street lines. And, most frightening, the DRIVERS! I don't know if it's laziness or selfishness or what, but the drivers down here are just plain terrifying. And it sure doesn't help that every driver on the road is talking on a cell phone. Oh, Jesus, when will you come and rapture cell phones off the face of the earth?

I guess I'm just going to have to wait until the perfect egg car rolls off the assembly line. Until then, please pray for me. I sure would like to live long enough to earn my Masters degree.

Dell is no Apple

2006-05-31T13:39:00.000-05:00

The author has a good point, but I think you could also say that about HP, Toshiba...well, actually, about everyone but Lenovo : )

but particularly HP...

FALL BEFORE THE MIGHT OF STEVE JOBS!

Sorry, Sean, I'll stop posting for today

....Just...can't...stop...pointless....drivel....

From the AP

2006-05-31T11:31:00.000-05:00

Associated Press-

"In an attempt to make the WNBA more palatable, league officials have decided to focus on their supposed strengths. League Spokesperson Barbara Hiddeger states 'most sports fans are men. We need to appeal to their baser instincts. Therefore we've to make our players more attractive.'" See attached photo.

It's a leeeeeeg!

2006-05-31T10:18:00.000-05:00

I've never won a major award. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever really won anything. I guess I'm what you would call "unlucky" when it comes to those things - if you believe in that sort of thing of course. In fact, I remember a time back in high school that really drives this point home.

It was the night of prom. The big dance was over and everyone went to the local bowling ally for an after-prom party. Over the course of the evening they were drawing names and handing out door prizes. Everyone was winning something - everyone, that is, but me. They were giving away prizes every 10 minutes, and after about 2 hours of not winning anything, I finally complained. Finally my name was called, but only after I had them "rig" the outcome and deliberately choose my name from the bucket.

I felt kind of like Homer Simpson on "Employee of the Week Award" day. Everyone at the nuclear plant had won it except Homer. Company policy mandated that everyone win it at least once, so naturally they gave the "Employee of the Week Award" to the only remaining employee at the nuclear plant who had never won...the inanimate carbon rod - an obvious affront to Homer.

That's kind of how my luck goes. At least, that's the case about 99% of the time.

But there is that 1% of my life where things went my way. I call that 1% "Rebecca." Yes, permit me a moment of sappiness, but my wife Rebecca is my lone "major award." Regardless of all the "bad luck" I've had in life, with her I've hit a home run, and I didn't even have to rig the results.

So, Becca, thank you for being my very own sexy-provocative-leg-lamp. I love you.