Kim Jong-who?

If you're wondering why crazy-haired North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il looks so vertiginous, it's because he never expected the world to lose interest in him so quickly. Apparently the attention-craved czar and closet Jacki Chan impersonator thought he could impress the nations with his ill-guided bottle rockets that made a "splash" in the Sea of Japan. But recent events in the Middle East, Malibu, and the Darbyville soapbox races snatched the spotlight off of him and the flaming cannonballs his military catapulted a whole 400 yards out to sea. Determined to make the world pay attention to him, Kim's next round of shenanigans include mixing baking soda with vinegar, holding his breath for three whole minutes, and bench pressing 190 pounds.

So keep an eye on Fox News, CNN, and PBS, because you never know what that crazy Kim Jong-il is going to do for attention next.