"Spare Me My Life"

Ok, so a friend of mine came across this video recently. It's a Japanese workout video that teaches Japanese women (and possibly men) common English phrases that they might need to know before going to America. It's actually a really smart idea, teaching people a foreign language as they work out. I just feel sorry for the poor Japanese women who used this video to prepare to come to the States. It must have been terrifying to learn that the most important English phrases they needed to master before crossing the Pacific were, "Take anything you want," and, "I was robbed by two men."



This video is not meant in any way to ridicule Japanese people as a whole. I just got tickled by the things that the women were saying, that's all. I know that this video does not represent all Japanese people, just like I would hope that the Japanese don't think that the people they see on American television don't represent all Americans. If you are Japanese and this video embarrasses you, take comfort...at least you don't have Tom Cruise.

Pimp Tax?

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Republican Sen. Charles Grassley of Iowa is hoping to stamp out the sex trade by taxing pimps and prostitutes, then jailing them when they don't pay. -link

Apparently, Senator Grassley wants the IRS to institute a "pimp tax" to try to put the pressure on pimps who don't provide a W-2 for their prostitutes. I guess the Senator wants it to be illegal for a prostitute to not be registered with Uncle Sam.

Come on, seriously, a pimp tax? You've got to be kidding. I mean, saying that pimps should register their prostitutes with a W-2 makes it sound like pimping is a legitimate business. Why isn't it enough to just say that prostitution is illegal...period? Doesn't this measure legitimize the pimp trade by giving it some kind of tax status? Unbelievable.

Perhaps we should start taxing drug dealers too. I mean, drug dealers make all sorts of untaxed income. The least we could do is make sure Uncle Sam gets what's his so that he can fund some more worthless social programs, right? I'm going to write my Senators today; I urge you to do the same.

I sure hope Mississippi institutes the pimp tax. Maybe then we could see some improvements on the roads here in Jackson, although I sincerely doubt it. If they can't fix the roads with the money they make from my car tags alone, there isn't a tax or a grant big enough on earth that could fix them.

Aren't Vacations the Greatest?

So last week I spent my time vacationing at the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I've never been to the Outer Banks before, so this was an exciting experience for both my wife and me. Plus, given the recent stresses in my life, I was REALLY in need of some relaxation time.

A whole week lying on a beach and staying up late playing Texas Hold'em (not for money, thank-you very much, but for bragging rights among my siblings) allows for plenty of time for reflection on some of what makes vacations great. Here's a brief summary of what I have concluded:

1. Vacations are great because you don't have to work.
2. Vacations are great because you have an excuse to spend absurd amounts of money on worthless trinkets.
3. Vacations are great because you get to spend long hours in close proximity to those you love the most on earth.......oh wait, that one was supposed to go on my "other" list. Oops! Oh well...
4. Vacations are great because you get to see new places. Trust me, the white sandy beaches of the Outer Banks were a MUCH needed change of scenery from Jackson, MS.
5. And lastly, above all else, vacations are great because you can eat ANYTHING you want, for just about ANY amount that you want, without considering the physical or financial consequences. Ah, yes, a week of eating strawberry milkshake Pop-tarts, Cinnamon Life cereal, and bacon for breakfast, last night's leftovers for lunch, and then a $25 per person all-you-can-eat seafood buffet for dinner, with dessert for all three meals, and snacks in between. I could get into some of that, buddy!

And I did. In fact, someone took a snapshot of the airplane I got on at the end of the trip. Apparently they did a poor job of balancing out the weight on board, because as soon as I went back to my seat in the back of the plane, those added vacations pounds caught up to me....

Anyway, God bless vacations, and may God bless my waistline, belt buckle, and the neighbors downstairs from our apartment who now have to listen to squeaky floor boards when I roll - er, I mean "walk" around my apartment.

All Quiet on the Western Front

Definition of Shell shock

As defined by medterms.com

Shell shock: The World War I name for what is known today as post-traumatic stress, this is a psychological disorder that develops in some individuals who have had major traumatic experiences (and, for example, have been in a serious accident or through a war). The person is typically numb at first but later has symptoms including depression, excessive irritability, guilt (for having survived while others died), recurrent nightmares, flashbacks to the traumatic scene, and overreactions to sudden noises. Post-traumatic stress became known as such in the 70s due to the adjustment problems of some Vietnam veterans.

...or those who've had family with young children come to visit. I love them all, but I am DEFINITELY not ready for kids right away. The picture to the right is me after only one day of "visiting". I hope natural family planning works...

The Wonderful World of Video

As I'm sure you may have already noticed, we have finally figured out how to embed video files directly into the blog. We see this as an open door into a whole new world of possibilities for blog content. I would encourage you to check back frequently, for you never know when the video gods may strike. In the meantime, if you get bored and wish it was Christmas in June, click on the new link to the right under 'Places that are cool' to watch the video I created last Christmas.

Worst Weatherman of All Time

If you're like me, you take great pleasure in being made to feel uncomfortable. Perhaps that's why I enjoy watching The Office so much... Anyway, if you are REALLY interested in squirming for an agonizing three minutes, watch this video of the WORST weatherman EVER.

Ah, there's no place like home....

Truly it is great to be home. I attended a wedding in Indiana this weekend, and the trip really wore me out. I've never been to Indiana (I think), so it was neat journey.

Note to travelers... if a Taco Bell seems to be surrounded by HUGE puddles after a typhoon-class rain storm, avoid eating there. Apparently that "water" isn't only water. Remember boys and girls, when storm run-off can't go down, usually "less pleasant" water can't go down either. Sewage and tacos do NOT mix (but I ate them anyway).

I knew I was truly home when I stopped in Batesville, MS to get gas. After using Sarah's speedpass to buy about a $1000 dollars (about 5 gallons) worth of gasoline, we went inside to buy some crackers and drinks. The speedpass would not swipe inside. Instead of trying to help figure out why, the attendant, who sounded suspiciously like lunch lady Doris, just kept repeating "it says denied".

Hey, I know it might have be really "denied", but considering that we just used it to buy fuel, you'd think she'd be a little more helpful. I loved her helpfulness. I guess it was prepping me for my return to Jackson....

"Wang Chung" Defined At Last

Ever since 1986 the entire world has been trying to figure out just how exactly they were to "have fun tonight." We all knew that the answer could be found in the mystical lyrics of an 80's pop hit, but for 20 years now the jury has been out as to what "chung" really is and what it means to actually "wang" it.

Well folks, the age old riddle has been solved at last. For those of you perplexed and baffled by this enigmatic imperative, you may now find relief for your weary minds. If you really, really want to know how to wang chung, follow this link right here. But beware, this video might literally make you wang chung...and by "wang" I mean "toss," and by "chung" I mean "your cookies."

Choke

In honor of his wonderful hole 72 choke at the U.S. Open, I offer this noose on behalf of Phil Mickelson.

Here's to you, Phil.

Sean Michael Hasselhoff

I will never make fun of David Hasselhoff again.

As I walk down the sandy shores of the Outer Banks this week, I am faced with tremendous guilt for making fun of the former Bay Watch star and Euro-pop icon. I used to laugh at how he would suck in his stomach all the time in the vain attempt at looking fit compared to the anorexic underwear models that co-starred next to him. I used to wonder if his head was going to explode under the intense pressure of sucking in his gut with all his strength. Fortunately for him, he only had to suck it in long enough to shoot each shot -- 10, 15, maybe 20 seconds as a time. But I...I have to hold in in for the entire afternoon. Yesterday my eyes almost bulged out of their sockets at one point. Today I actually passed out for five or ten minutes, but that was ok because everyone showered me with attention and food due to their pity. (Like I need more food...)

Oh yes, I will never make fun of you again, David...at least, not until I get back from the beach.

Guest Movie Review by the Juggernaut

Oh, yeah b'for you read dis, this has some movie spoilers in it, ya pencilnecks...

Just for kicks, I went to see X-Men 3 the other night. I usually avoid the movies, being a wanted fugitive and all, but hey, I figgered what th' heck. I heard my likeness was used in it (I sold out to Marvel...I needed the money....I got tax problems, whatever), and I thought I'd get a chuckle outta seeing myself on the big screen. So I goes over to th' concessions counter to get a Juggernaut-sized drink.... $3.75?!?!? AND THEY CALL ME A CRIMINAL!!!! At least it had free refills (by the way, I found out that I don't got a Juggernaut-sized bladder.) I get in the stoopid theater, and I gots to sit inna back 'cause apparently I got a huge head. (I swear, I shoulda crushed that mouthy soccer-mom.) I tell ya, the movie started out good....they ace that powder puff Cyclops in the first coupla minutes (everyone knows Wolverine's the star anyway). Then they really cheese me... I gets to see me on the screen. That guy was tiny! Maybe by Spiderman standards he's big, BUT I'M THE JUGGERNAUT!!!! On top o' that, he's a limey!!!! I wuz born n' breed in the states, an' proud of it. To add insult to injury, he has 'bout 2 lines. Come on now...I'm the funniest guy I know. Crap. Then, they have me knock myself out chasing Sinead O'Connor and some ghost-chick. Unbelievable!!!! I gotta admit, I was pretty steamed (sorry 'bout that Starbucks). But I felt better after I saw that Finnish Video on this here blog. Geez, I weigh a metric ton, and I got better moves than those losers! Funny stuff!
All in all, I guess X3 was ok. At least Charlie X got axed by that hottie (see ya Chuck). Jus' a final thing I wanta say ta the guys who defamed me in that show...
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE JUGGERNAUT!!!!

Auf Wiedersehen!

The Von Trapp children would like to extend a farewell performance in honor of the recently deceased Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I'm sure they sing on behalf of the whole world. We will miss al-Zarqawi and his ruthless antics. I mean, who can behead innocent hostages better than he? Who can hide in cowardice while growing a giant, unkempt bushy beard with greater precision than he? Who can replace his tactical skills in engineering the most diabolical crimes against humanity? Who has a worse body odor? I daresay the answer to all these questions is undeniably nobody!

So, Von Trapps, go ahead, and bid the fallen a fond adieu.

"So long, farewell....."

Only in Bangkok

Now here's a headline you don't see every day. Poor dwarves. They can't get a fair shake anywhere they go. Whether it's buildings and vehicles that are built for "big" people in America, or hungry, hungry Hippos in Thailand, the "man" has his boot on the little people's back.

My only question is this: Since this particular dwarf just happened to be a "carny," does that mean he had really small hands??? "And now deep thoughts, by Sean Scribner......"

Thanks to my sister-in-law for sending me this article, although I'm highly skeptical of its authenticity.

Benedict Apple

I have always been a die hard Windows/PC man, but I gotta' admit, the new Macbook Pro is pretty sweet. I don't know much of anything about Apple products (other than the iPod, of which I own 2), but this is one of the most beautiful pieces of hardware mine eyes have ever beheld. Does anyone own one of these, and if so, is it as good as it looks?

Bombs Away

Here is the exclusive transcript of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's meeting moments before he tried to catch two 500lb. bombs with his face...

Hello my minions. I am happy to say that things are going swimmingly with our terror projects. Sure, we've been going through a dry spell of sorts, but we have had some victories for our god! Just the other day we TP'ed a Hummer on the outskirts of Baghdad. Hah-hah, that will teach those dirty American's not to feed and clothe our countrymen. Yes, we will continue to neglect and destroy our own people in the name of our god...praise be to Allah!!!

Our fearless leader is hiding in caves, bravely leading our cause, while eating sand and desert rats. Such courage has not been known since...hey, what's that whistling noise? Is someone making tea?

-end transmission

Chuck Norris Fact #76

CHUCK NORRIS FACT #76:
In his spare time, Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters... and by "knit" I mean "kick," and by "sweaters" I mean "babies."

You Should Be Ashamed, Finland

Yesterday I accidentally came across the worst music video EVER MADE. Yes, it is true. Worst music video... EVER. Trust me, there have been a lot of bad ones. But this one's the worst.

The song is called "I Wanna Love You Tender," and is sung by a Finnish duo that calls itself Armi & Danny. You can watch the video here. The first thing you might notice is the horrific dance routine performed by about a dozen dancers. The choreography looks like something that was scrawled on a bar napkin by some drunken dance teacher. Like a car wreck, it's horrible to watch yet impossible to look away. Then Danny comes in and you will notice that the top button of his shirt is located somewhere near the naval region. I need to find me one of those, although I doubt there are any Finnish thrift stores in Jackson. And lastly, you'll notice the loathsome and obnoxious lyrics (which I will post below). I'll let them speak for themselves.

All in all, this music video is an abomination to man and an affront to God. Finland, you ought to be ashamed and embarrassed for this. In fact, I have half a mind to burn your flag!

¡No viva el Finland!

Lyrics:

I love you, I wanna love you tender.
You could be my only sweet surrender.
I would never bring you any kind of sorrow.

You love me, you wanna love me tender.
How can I be sure you're not pretender?
You want me today,
But what about tomorrow?

Oh, you're absolutely fine,
Your lips are taste of wine.
I'd like to think you're mine.
And if I could touch your hand,
This rock would turn to sand,
So this is where we stand.

You love me, you wanna love me tender.
How can I be sure you're not pretender?
You want me today,
But what about tomorrow?

I love you, I wanna love you tender.
I just want to be your loving fender.
I would like to take you;
I know I can't deceive you.

I love you, I do can be so tender.
I can be your only sweet surrender,
And if you give your heart,
I'll never ever leave you.

Oh, you're absolutely fine,
Your lips are taste of wine.
I'd like to think you're mine.
And if I could touch your hand,
This rock would turn to sand,
So this is where we stand.

If we all say 'Wanna love you tender,"
No-one has to be a great pretender.
And this world would be
A better place to live in.

By the way, I hated this video so much that I downloaded it and converted the file for use on my iPod video. It's just that bad.

For Sale (or for ridicule)

Meet Zoe. She is a one year old Cockapoo. For those of you unfamiliar with a Cockapoo, it is a rare mix-breed that is part canine, part rat, and part stuffed animal. Many desire owning a Cockapoo due to its hypoallergenic composition (IE. zero dander), it's puppyish charm, or in some instances, the money to be made from cockfighting. If you are fortunate to ever come upon one of these highly sought after beasts, and for whatever reason desire to own one, be forewarned -- they are not cheap. Not only must you fork over loads to cash to own one, but you must also deal with the residual costs of feeding it, grooming it, replacing the carpet it ruins, and the inevitable attorney fees from the lawsuits filed by guests who get molested by it. Zoe is a special Cockapoo in that she has learned all of three tricks: sitting, shaking, and infuriating her master (which, by the way, she is particularly good at). If you desire to own one of these lovable, huggable little pests for the sake of adding a pet to your family, expanding your collection of stuffed animals, or for crossbow target practice, send me an e-mail at anticockapooalliance@godblessthecockapoos.org. Thanks.

Devil's Day?

Greetings. My name is...um, I'll just go by "S" for the time being. I'm here to express to you my supreme delight, for today is what some are calling, "Devil's Day." Not that this has anything to do with me, mind you. I just enjoy sitting back and watching the way that some people are acting over today's date. You see, the date today is - get this - June 6th...... 2006! Hee hee hee. Get it? 06.....06.....06. 6-6-6? Tee hee hee! You know what that means, right? You don't? Oh, well let me tell you. It means.......... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! That's the funny part. While all these crazy people are running around like it's the end of the world, the really funny thing is that today is NO DIFFERENT than any other day. HAARGH!!!

You see, these people think that the "devil" is at work today more than any other day. They think that I - I mean, "he" - will somehow be thwarted by what they're calling "violent worship and praise." Don't believe me? Check out this story. Sure, the "devil" hates it when people pray and all, but that's why days like today make me so happy - I mean, make the "devil" so happy. These people concentrate all their attention on a single day, all the while falsely assuming that today is actually special, and in the meantime they're making the people who take the "devil" seriously all year long look like religious cooks. OOH! It makes me giggle!

Please excuse me. I have a party to attend to mark this special occasion. I'll be in Hell..... Hell, MICHIGAN, that is. I'll be drinking "fire" water, and eating "hot" fries. It'll be a real barn "burner."

But please, don't tell these particular evangelicals the truth about today. I'm enjoying this way too much.

Excuse Me, Please

There is nothing more frustrating to me when I am trying to go through the store than when someone parks their cart right in the middle of the aisle and walks off. It never fails; it happens every time you go. Go to Wal-Mart, Kroger, Piggly Wiggly, wherever, and invariably you will encounter someone who has stopped right in the middle of the aisle. Usually it's a woman (no offense ladies, but it's true), and they'll stop their cart in the one place where no one else can get around and then walk off leaving it there unattended. Meanwhile, as the line builds up of other shoppers who want to get around, you try to squeeze your own cart through but succeed only in knocking things off the shelves and making a big mess. I'm usually too courteous to say something other than a polite "Excuse me." Sometimes I wish I were a bitter old fool who cares nothing of what people think so that I could take a running start and smash into their cart like a runaway freight train sending groceries all over the place and making a mangled mess of our shopping carts. But instead I wait patiently, silently, all the while wishing I were the manager of the store so that I could erect signs everywhere telling people to either move it or lose it.

So folks, please, stop parking your buggies in the middle of the aisle before wandering off into Neverland. You never know, some guy may snap one day and go postal on you and/or your shopping cart.

"Clean-up on aisle 5!"

Go Bucks!

Since we're on the topic of sports, I just want to take this opportunity to bring up the fact that the Buckeyes are going to whoop up on everyone this 2006 football season. Think I'm the only one who thinks this way? Don't just take my word, take theirs:

Buck Starts Here - Sports Illustrated

Buckeyes, Sooners lead post-spring Top 25 - ESPN

Ohio State Heads Preseason Top 25 in College Football - Rivals.com

You don't have to agree with the analysts, and you certainly don't have to agree with me. But we'll see who's right and who's wrong this season when the Bucks are marching it up all over the field.

Go Canes!

Thank you Hurricanes for silencing those obnoxious Buffalo Sabres fans. No more obnoxious quips from the denizens of the "Mistake on the Lake."

Too bad you left Hartford, though. You will always be the Whalers to me.

LONG LIVE THE WHALERS!!!!

Get WHAT Done????

Yes, Larry the Cable Guy, ladies and gentlemen. We've all seen him gracing our TV screens, and I think he's supposed to be coming out with a "major motion picture" sometime soon (if not already).

Some call him funny.

Others call him stupid.

Me? I call him perplexing.

"Why perplexing?" you ask. Well, for the most part I guess I understand the whole "redneck" routine and all. Even though it's been done over and over again, I suppose it's still funny. And a cable guy? I get it - cable guys are usually annoying, you know, being omnipresent and all.

But I guess the true source of my bewilderment over this enigmatic cultural phenomenon is "r" (pronounced, "er"). I mean, what is "r" anyway? And, more specifically, how does one get "r" done? Is "r" some random task that cable guys normally encourage people to accomplish? Is "r" a particular kind of meat that needs to be cooked all the way through to eliminate the dangers of food-bourne illness? Or is "r" simply some form of encrypted "redneck" language admonishing fellow "rednecks" to perform whatever necessary duties one must perform to sustain the "redneck" status? I don't understand.

I really would like to know, Larry, what "r" is, so that whatever it is I can get it done!

What's the matter with you, egg head!

Ah, the egg, nature's perfect shape. It's spherical design makes it the perfect refuge of safety for it's incubating inhabitant. Ever try to break an egg by squeezing it in your hand? Good luck, pal; it's not going to happen. The physics of its design render it virtually indestructible under intense compression.

I wish there was some way to take the properties of an egg and apply them to a car. Just think, a car with the safety and security of nature's impregnable spheroid.

Recent car makers have tried to replicate the form and function of the egg (take the Volkswagen Beetle for example), but they have not yet created a practical consumer-oriented product that truly lives up to its inspiration.

Perhaps you're wondering why I am so concerned with safety on the road. My question for you is, "Have you ever lived in Jackson, Mississippi?" Take a drive down any one of our roads and you will see for yourself what I'm talking about. The head-jarring cracks in the pavement. The tooth-rattling potholes. The ill-timed traffic lights. The diabolically painted street lines. And, most frightening, the DRIVERS! I don't know if it's laziness or selfishness or what, but the drivers down here are just plain terrifying. And it sure doesn't help that every driver on the road is talking on a cell phone. Oh, Jesus, when will you come and rapture cell phones off the face of the earth?

I guess I'm just going to have to wait until the perfect egg car rolls off the assembly line. Until then, please pray for me. I sure would like to live long enough to earn my Masters degree.